Comparisons are Odious

 

‘Look at him, he studied so hard and he’s always at the top of his class! Learn something from him!’

‘Look at him, see where he’s reached in just 10 years! He’s the CEO at a multinational company at the age of just 40! He should be an inspiration for you!’

‘Look at him, he’s middle-aged but so fit! So slim! So good-looking, always immaculately dressed! Everyone admires him! Maybe you should take some tips from him…’

‘Look at him, despite working in middle management jobs, he’s still managed to buy three big cars, three apartments in Gurgaon and a 4BHK flat in Bombay! He has investments in stocks and mutual funds and he bought a massive plot of land in Goa last year! You really should learn something from him!’

‘Look at him! He was so overweight but he’s managed to lose 20 kilos in just one year! If he can do it, why can’t you also lose some weight?!?!’

‘Look at him! He takes his entire family on a foreign vacation every year! He buys gold jewellery for his wife every year on her birthday! They go out for dinner at five-star hotel restaurants every weekend! Why can’t you also… …’

And so on. And on. And on. Here in India (and for all I know, maybe also elsewhere in the world), we love to compare. For example, we think we can ‘inspire’ our children to study harder and do better in class by comparing them with other children who are doing very well in school or in college. We think we can trot out examples of people who are doing very well in life and by doing so, inspire (or shame?) our children / brother / sister / spouse into working harder, earning more money, buying a bigger house or a bigger car, or otherwise upgrading their lifestyle.  

Does it ever work? If you ask me, the answer would be definitely not. Comparisons are odious. And more often than not, the only thing they ‘inspire’ in the person who is at the receiving end is, at best, indifference and contempt, and at worst, actual hate for the person they’re being compared to.

What’s the point? What’s the purpose? What do we hope to achieve when we compare one person with another? Why do we assume that if we quote examples of greatness – wealth, status, academic accomplishment, professional excellence and so on – it would ‘inspire’ those who have not been able to do as well? Come on. Wisen up. And shut the f*** up already. This nonsense has been going on for far too long and needs to stop. Now.

We need to come to terms with the fact that we are all different, every one of us. We have different talents and, yes, not all those talents might be equally useful in the real world. But that needs acceptance, not discrimination. Some of us may be excellent students who are great at academics, some of us might not be. Some will be great at sports, some others might have a great knack for business, some might be excellent speakers, writers, painters, photographers or accountants. Some might show brilliance from a very young age, some others may go on to do well much later in life and, yes, well, some of us might only live average lives and not be outstandingly good at anything at all. Some of us will go to the IIMs and the IITs and some of us will only graduate from no-name local colleges. Some of us will win big awards and garner great recognition, some of us never will. Some will outperform, some won’t. And that’s all right, we need to learn to deal with that!   

I’m not saying we shouldn’t encourage our children / brother / sister / spouse to strive hard to do the best they can, be the best they can be. But comparing them with others’ achievements will only demotivate and lead to anger, resentment, contempt and indifference. Comparisons are never encouraging, they only discourage and dampen effort. For those whom we care about deeply, sure, we can make our suggestions – gently and with understanding and with compassion – but after that, we should have faith in their ability to find their own way in life. If that turns out to be different from what we wanted and expected, that’s okay, we need to learn to accept it and live with it. Let people be. Live and let live.  

We’ve all been there, most of us have been at the receiving end of comparisons and most of us have also dished it out. Personally, I always hated it when I was compared with my much more successful friends, cousins, relatives and parents’ friends’ children. Unfortunately, even though comparisons always made me angry and resentful – or just plain indifferent – I’ve still been guilty of also dishing out some comparisons when I should have known better. I’ve tried to improve, I’ve tried to stop. I hope I’ve been sufficiently successful in that.

Each person is, of course, different. Some of us are physically fit, slim and attractive, some of us are overweight and perhaps not that good looking. Some will achieve great accolades in academic endeavours and go on to work in very senior positions and perhaps earn large amounts of money, live in big houses and drive big, expensive cars. Some others will, well, not do any of those things. And, hey, that’s all right, right? How can it not be? Each person lives his or her life the way they believe is best. We all find our own path in life and those paths can and often will be very different from the path that others will take. Again, that’s perfectly okay, that’s how life is meant to be.

We can’t possibly all be the same, do the same things, have the same accomplishments. It takes all kinds to make up this world. Think about it. Give it some serious thought. And then, if possible, please stop comparing.

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